Today - confessions of a notebook

Yeah, so today I went into Big Lots and I went straight to the stationary department. I wanted to find a cute notebook and I didn't really want to pay the big bucks for it. Why pay a lot of money for paper? Isn't paper becoming precious to us? Anyways, the reason I wanted a notebook, was because I keep finding myself thinking things and wishing I could just write it down. So I finally got a cute notebook, just the right size to stick in my small purse and off I go.

I went to Barnes and Nobles, and started looking through the magazines. I'm wanting to do some remodeling to my house, so I was checking out the home improvement magazines. While I was looking through it, I wrote down some random thoughts.

I got a pumpkin spiced latte from the starbucks in B and N, and wrote down some more random thoughts.

I checked out some books that were in the marked down bins, and wrote down some more random thoughts.

So now, here I sit. In front of my laptop. I'm flipping through my notebook, and my mouth drops open.

Over more than half of my random thoughts were about him!

I couldn't believe it. I've told myself that I needed to stop thinking about him, so I made the conscious decision to stop thinking about him. However, when I'm reading something, browsing through a magazine, talking to a person, why is it that my mind drifts in that particular way?

I'm wondering if I need closure. If somehow, I need to find out ONCE AND FOR ALL, what exactly happened. Why did he choose to stop talking to me? What exactly did I supposedly do? How do I find this closure?

I'm looking at his stuff now. I tell myself, when he comes to get it, then I can get closure. But maybe I'm being too impatient. Maybe I want the closure now! Now! Now! Now!

Oh God.

Truly, I'm not heartbroken over the fact that he decided to break up with me, if thats even what he did. You see, he and I dated last year. From August 08 to Nov 08, when I found out that he had been cheating on me. TO make a long story short, this time around, he spoke the sweet words... yeah I guess I am just a niave person, but thats me. I trust to easily. So because of our unique situation from last year, I still had my wall up. I was, and still, am protecting myself, so that is why I'm not heartbroken. I am just really confused. Its like, "well why?"

Well, why indeed....