Feeling the way I feel...

There are times when a person realizes that the past is meant to have happened, and that sometimes the past is destined to come to a full circle again. I am much better from lessons learned from that past and from the present the past has come to and from the ultimate betrayal of a person that I once began to open my heart to.

There are times that the person who I thought was wonderful in the past and in the present, isnt so much of a twinkle in my eyes again. This person, this man... someone I onced loved with my whole being, my heart... this man.

The ultimate betrayal. Someone that proved all the things that I needed proven. He knew the right words to say, he knew the right touch when stroking my face.. the right time to stare in my eyes and whisper, "I love you" before leaning in for a kiss....

Ultimate betrayal...

Despite his imperfections, the flaws that made this man who he is... I still loved him. For a whole year, I did not think much of him except when something came along that reminded me of him. A green van...white truck... a guy that looks uncannily like him, but isn't...seeing our special "spot" at a park I no longer go to...because I can't sit there and remember the good... without remembering the bad. I drive by his job, and I remember the times I pumped gas into my car, watching him come out of the building next door and walking to me with pure joy in his eyes..., joy at seeing ME!

It was his imperfections that I enjoyed. I enjoyed knowing that he needed someone to be there with him, to be there for him, just to be there, and yet, knowing now... he didnt need ME. He just needed someone, irregardless of who it was. And yet, I loved him. Deep within my heart, I am knowingly in love with a man, that can't (or won't accept a pure heart) and yet, within myself, I struggle because I should not be in love with this man. Why am I? And yet, knowing that I am in love with him, it makes it easier to let him go this time. Love isn't selfish. It can be blind, however when it is opened to the truth, it is easier to let go. "Let him go, Jolene. He needs to mature. If he ever comes back a mature man, wonderful. If not, still love him as he needs to be, but dont be involved with him again."

I sit in my house and I stare at these white walls, this screen on my laptop, the curser blinking at me, and I wonder... "Why did I give him a second chance?" and I know why. Because he chose to take the time to get me to believe him again. He chose to take the time to get me to trust him again. Because of what he chose to do, I chose to believe him and I chose to begin the trust stage.

He's a "douche bag".
"You can do so much better."
"He's not worth your time, nor your energy."
"Once a cheater, always a cheater."

These are my friends, so of course they say the words of a true friendship, however... there's a nagging thought in my mind.

Is this rejection of me...ME? Am I repulsive? Are my hearing aids to much for him? Did I text him to much, or not enough? Did we see eachother to much or not enough? Did I not trust him earlier enough? Was I not the caring girlfriend when he has his medical issues? Is it me? me? me?

Ultimate betrayal.... and yet, the ultimate finding of how strong I can be, the second time around. No more will I let him use sweet-talk on me. No more will I let him lie to me again, and no more will I choose to believe his lies.

No more of my tears will fall.

No more of my heart being heavy.

No more ultimate betrayals.