One-sided conversations in my mind

"No, thats twice my heart has been broken by you, and thats two times too many!"

Who am I writing this to? Who am I talking to? It is this person, this person that I cared for, and yet, I should stop caring. I need to stop allowing my heart to trust again. I need to stop taking every word as truth again. Why am I....so gullible? Was it because I needed to believe him? Was it because I wanted to believe him, wanted to think that because he seemed so sincere, everything else would be the "happily ever after"?

"No, I havent thought about you today. Yes I thought about you yesterday, and do you know how HARD it was not to pick up my phone and not text you? I dont want to seem like a psycho, or someone that is OBSESSED with you, so I didn't text you. Why? Because all my texts should not be one-sided. Its like having a conversation with a wall!"

The truth is, I did think about him today, yesterday, the day before and all the days before yesterday. I wonder what happened. I wonder why it happened. I go through in my mind the conversation of our last night that we spoke, and yet, there was nothing in there to indicate that the next day would bring a silence... a silence I am still trying to comprehend.

"My friend tells me that you're just not ready for a relationship. From what I told him, he thinks (from a male point of view), that you got scared and just bailed. That may be true, but wouldnt it be so much easier if you just came to me and told me? I mean, this sudden silence is.... uncomprehending. If you were not ready for a relationship, then why the hell did you make yourself out to be? Are you really divorced?"

A part of me wonders that because he got divorced, (if he really is), that maybe it was too soon for him to be in another relationship. I can understand and I can relate. I jumped into a relationship so soon after my divorce and it just was not meant to be. I was still sore and broken-hearted to think straight.

"I want you back...no, I dont really want you back. I'm lying...to myself. I do, but I don't really. I'm of two-minds and I dont really know what I want. Actually, yes I do. I want a explanation of what exactly caused you to stop talking to me. Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong?"

Seriously, thats all I want to know.

"Are you in the hospital getting ready to have surgery? Do you even really have to have surgery? Is your phone not on or are you blocking my number?"

From a wise friend, "If he really cared about you, Jolene, he would have found a way to get in touch with you. He would have emailed, called, texted, or in general, have his dad get in touch with you somehow. The fact that he didn't, shows that he didn't care."

Talk about a heartbreaking realization.

So last night, I cried myself to sleep. I cried for all the reasons known to me, and all the reasons not known to me. I wept over this man, this man who didn't really deserve my tears and yet, I gave it to him. Does that make me a stupid woman? No, I dont think so. I think, that by crying, I am allowing myself to start healing again.

"I CRIED", I'm shouting to the world, "I CRIED!"

Because... one, I was beginning to care for him again
I was beginning to think that this time around we could make it work again
I was beginning to think he actually loved me.... which I'm not sure if he did...

I dont know what I was thinking, but I do know this.

Its not happening again.

"Oh its you. Did you come to get your stuff from my house? Hmm, no I'm fine. Thanks. Here's your stuff. Have a great day!"

Doesn't everyone, at one point of time, have one-sided conversations with themselves? Conversations, that if they were in front of the person who has slighted them in some way, they could say exactly what they meant? These are some of my conversations I am having with myself. Conversations that will never happen, and yet, I can still type them down. Most likely no one will ever read them, and most likely nothing will ever happen, but I can still get these conversations off of my mind.

"Thanks for not coming over when my boys were around. My oldest is spared having his heart crushed again by you leaving. He looked up to you. He loved it when you came around because you were the ONLY man in his life that would play with him. His dad certainly doesn't. But I am glad that I told you that I didn't want you coming around when my son was here. It saved him the anguish of me telling him you were not coming anymore."

Enough said Jolene, enough said about that, and about everything else. I have many more conversations on my mind, but for now, my anger is filling up inside of myself. Anger, at myself. Anger, at you. Anger, at the world. Just plain anger.