I am such a moron!

So here I am, in front of my laptop again. When am I always NOT on the laptop? Don't answer that haha. I enjoy this, being able to just randomly type down my thoughts and if others read it, and agree with it, then well thats awesome, but if not, or they disagree, well no worries.

Today was a major headache. I went to my son's field trip to the Nature Center, and I really enjoyed being with him and his class. I got put in charge of 3 students, Ryan being one of them. We walked around the park just basically looking for insects, since they were studying insects. The kids had a great time just basically walking around, turning over rocks, you know, in general, being kids.
Ryan wasn't a very happy camper, but I thought it was just because he was so tired from last night. He had cub scouts, and then when I went to drop him off at his dad's house, he just flipped! So I figured that he was just tired out from that.
After the field trip, I went to school, then I went and got my son from school. It was then he dropped a bombshell on me; "Mommy, daddy hurt me last night."

My world fell apart, then righted itself in anger.

I called my attorney who gave me some sound advice, and is now in the process of pursuing different legal means, and so hopefully, things will right itself again, and my son will not be scared again.

Throughout this whole time, I was sending updates over the phone to my groups of friends and I didn't realize I was texting HIM. He never responded, but thats ok. I don't really care anymore. I think its funny, but time does heal wounds. If he ever decides to get in touch with me again, cool. If not, well, I'm not going to cry continuously about it. I still dont know what went wrong, and yes, a part of me wishes that he would just tell me, but I can't allow myself to sit here and moan about that. Seriously, my kids are more important than anything else, just like his kids are very important to him.

All in all, thinking now... I wish him the best of luck with whatever he is looking for. No ill wills, or anything. Maybe just a impassioned plea for him to tell me what had happened between us, but I'm not going to go out of my way to find out.

My oldest boy just walked in the kitchen, begging me to hold him again like when he was a baby. You know something, that sounds like a nice idea. It isnt that often I get to hold my six year old...most of the time, he is all "eww mom" but tonight, when and while he needs me, I'm going to give him what he needs most of all....protection, security, comfort and most of all, love.

Today - confessions of a notebook

Yeah, so today I went into Big Lots and I went straight to the stationary department. I wanted to find a cute notebook and I didn't really want to pay the big bucks for it. Why pay a lot of money for paper? Isn't paper becoming precious to us? Anyways, the reason I wanted a notebook, was because I keep finding myself thinking things and wishing I could just write it down. So I finally got a cute notebook, just the right size to stick in my small purse and off I go.

I went to Barnes and Nobles, and started looking through the magazines. I'm wanting to do some remodeling to my house, so I was checking out the home improvement magazines. While I was looking through it, I wrote down some random thoughts.

I got a pumpkin spiced latte from the starbucks in B and N, and wrote down some more random thoughts.

I checked out some books that were in the marked down bins, and wrote down some more random thoughts.

So now, here I sit. In front of my laptop. I'm flipping through my notebook, and my mouth drops open.

Over more than half of my random thoughts were about him!

I couldn't believe it. I've told myself that I needed to stop thinking about him, so I made the conscious decision to stop thinking about him. However, when I'm reading something, browsing through a magazine, talking to a person, why is it that my mind drifts in that particular way?

I'm wondering if I need closure. If somehow, I need to find out ONCE AND FOR ALL, what exactly happened. Why did he choose to stop talking to me? What exactly did I supposedly do? How do I find this closure?

I'm looking at his stuff now. I tell myself, when he comes to get it, then I can get closure. But maybe I'm being too impatient. Maybe I want the closure now! Now! Now! Now!

Oh God.

Truly, I'm not heartbroken over the fact that he decided to break up with me, if thats even what he did. You see, he and I dated last year. From August 08 to Nov 08, when I found out that he had been cheating on me. TO make a long story short, this time around, he spoke the sweet words... yeah I guess I am just a niave person, but thats me. I trust to easily. So because of our unique situation from last year, I still had my wall up. I was, and still, am protecting myself, so that is why I'm not heartbroken. I am just really confused. Its like, "well why?"

Well, why indeed....

One-sided conversations in my mind

"No, thats twice my heart has been broken by you, and thats two times too many!"

Who am I writing this to? Who am I talking to? It is this person, this person that I cared for, and yet, I should stop caring. I need to stop allowing my heart to trust again. I need to stop taking every word as truth again. Why am I....so gullible? Was it because I needed to believe him? Was it because I wanted to believe him, wanted to think that because he seemed so sincere, everything else would be the "happily ever after"?

"No, I havent thought about you today. Yes I thought about you yesterday, and do you know how HARD it was not to pick up my phone and not text you? I dont want to seem like a psycho, or someone that is OBSESSED with you, so I didn't text you. Why? Because all my texts should not be one-sided. Its like having a conversation with a wall!"

The truth is, I did think about him today, yesterday, the day before and all the days before yesterday. I wonder what happened. I wonder why it happened. I go through in my mind the conversation of our last night that we spoke, and yet, there was nothing in there to indicate that the next day would bring a silence... a silence I am still trying to comprehend.

"My friend tells me that you're just not ready for a relationship. From what I told him, he thinks (from a male point of view), that you got scared and just bailed. That may be true, but wouldnt it be so much easier if you just came to me and told me? I mean, this sudden silence is.... uncomprehending. If you were not ready for a relationship, then why the hell did you make yourself out to be? Are you really divorced?"

A part of me wonders that because he got divorced, (if he really is), that maybe it was too soon for him to be in another relationship. I can understand and I can relate. I jumped into a relationship so soon after my divorce and it just was not meant to be. I was still sore and broken-hearted to think straight.

"I want you back...no, I dont really want you back. I'm lying...to myself. I do, but I don't really. I'm of two-minds and I dont really know what I want. Actually, yes I do. I want a explanation of what exactly caused you to stop talking to me. Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong?"

Seriously, thats all I want to know.

"Are you in the hospital getting ready to have surgery? Do you even really have to have surgery? Is your phone not on or are you blocking my number?"

From a wise friend, "If he really cared about you, Jolene, he would have found a way to get in touch with you. He would have emailed, called, texted, or in general, have his dad get in touch with you somehow. The fact that he didn't, shows that he didn't care."

Talk about a heartbreaking realization.

So last night, I cried myself to sleep. I cried for all the reasons known to me, and all the reasons not known to me. I wept over this man, this man who didn't really deserve my tears and yet, I gave it to him. Does that make me a stupid woman? No, I dont think so. I think, that by crying, I am allowing myself to start healing again.

"I CRIED", I'm shouting to the world, "I CRIED!"

Because... one, I was beginning to care for him again
I was beginning to think that this time around we could make it work again
I was beginning to think he actually loved me.... which I'm not sure if he did...

I dont know what I was thinking, but I do know this.

Its not happening again.

"Oh its you. Did you come to get your stuff from my house? Hmm, no I'm fine. Thanks. Here's your stuff. Have a great day!"

Doesn't everyone, at one point of time, have one-sided conversations with themselves? Conversations, that if they were in front of the person who has slighted them in some way, they could say exactly what they meant? These are some of my conversations I am having with myself. Conversations that will never happen, and yet, I can still type them down. Most likely no one will ever read them, and most likely nothing will ever happen, but I can still get these conversations off of my mind.

"Thanks for not coming over when my boys were around. My oldest is spared having his heart crushed again by you leaving. He looked up to you. He loved it when you came around because you were the ONLY man in his life that would play with him. His dad certainly doesn't. But I am glad that I told you that I didn't want you coming around when my son was here. It saved him the anguish of me telling him you were not coming anymore."

Enough said Jolene, enough said about that, and about everything else. I have many more conversations on my mind, but for now, my anger is filling up inside of myself. Anger, at myself. Anger, at you. Anger, at the world. Just plain anger.

Feeling the way I feel...

There are times when a person realizes that the past is meant to have happened, and that sometimes the past is destined to come to a full circle again. I am much better from lessons learned from that past and from the present the past has come to and from the ultimate betrayal of a person that I once began to open my heart to.

There are times that the person who I thought was wonderful in the past and in the present, isnt so much of a twinkle in my eyes again. This person, this man... someone I onced loved with my whole being, my heart... this man.

The ultimate betrayal. Someone that proved all the things that I needed proven. He knew the right words to say, he knew the right touch when stroking my face.. the right time to stare in my eyes and whisper, "I love you" before leaning in for a kiss....

Ultimate betrayal...

Despite his imperfections, the flaws that made this man who he is... I still loved him. For a whole year, I did not think much of him except when something came along that reminded me of him. A green van...white truck... a guy that looks uncannily like him, but isn't...seeing our special "spot" at a park I no longer go to...because I can't sit there and remember the good... without remembering the bad. I drive by his job, and I remember the times I pumped gas into my car, watching him come out of the building next door and walking to me with pure joy in his eyes..., joy at seeing ME!

It was his imperfections that I enjoyed. I enjoyed knowing that he needed someone to be there with him, to be there for him, just to be there, and yet, knowing now... he didnt need ME. He just needed someone, irregardless of who it was. And yet, I loved him. Deep within my heart, I am knowingly in love with a man, that can't (or won't accept a pure heart) and yet, within myself, I struggle because I should not be in love with this man. Why am I? And yet, knowing that I am in love with him, it makes it easier to let him go this time. Love isn't selfish. It can be blind, however when it is opened to the truth, it is easier to let go. "Let him go, Jolene. He needs to mature. If he ever comes back a mature man, wonderful. If not, still love him as he needs to be, but dont be involved with him again."

I sit in my house and I stare at these white walls, this screen on my laptop, the curser blinking at me, and I wonder... "Why did I give him a second chance?" and I know why. Because he chose to take the time to get me to believe him again. He chose to take the time to get me to trust him again. Because of what he chose to do, I chose to believe him and I chose to begin the trust stage.

He's a "douche bag".
"You can do so much better."
"He's not worth your time, nor your energy."
"Once a cheater, always a cheater."

These are my friends, so of course they say the words of a true friendship, however... there's a nagging thought in my mind.

Is this rejection of me...ME? Am I repulsive? Are my hearing aids to much for him? Did I text him to much, or not enough? Did we see eachother to much or not enough? Did I not trust him earlier enough? Was I not the caring girlfriend when he has his medical issues? Is it me? me? me?

Ultimate betrayal.... and yet, the ultimate finding of how strong I can be, the second time around. No more will I let him use sweet-talk on me. No more will I let him lie to me again, and no more will I choose to believe his lies.

No more of my tears will fall.

No more of my heart being heavy.

No more ultimate betrayals.